Any rigorous ranking requires established criteria. After considerable deliberation, the following metrics were selected: presence, stability, and availability. We will proceed from least to most viable. Brace yourself.

The question arrived, as most great questions do, uninvited. We were standing in the cereal aisle when we noticed granola occupying space among the Cheerios with a confidence that bordered on provocative.

Your cereal milk choice says more about you than your dating profile, your Spotify Wrapped, or whatever fake personality type you got assigned by answering questions like "do you enjoy teamwork."

You open the cabinet. Two boxes. Maybe three. Each one a complete cereal. A whole personality. A finished thought. And yet something inside you whispers: what if they were one?

There are two types of people in this world: those who think a spoon is just a spoon, and those who have felt betrayal at breakfast. This is for the second group.

Let's address the lie we have all agreed to tolerate: the cereal serving size. According to the box, one serving of cereal is about one cup. One cup. A quantity so small it feels like it was designed for a doll with excellent cholesterol.